Well, happy holidays, one and all. Hopefully, your Christmas/Festivus/Yuletide/Zappadan/Coming of the Great Old Ones was a good one. It was definitely weird to be away from family/old friends around this time of year, and odd not being able to call you crazy cats up and wish you a Merry Christmas the day of, but even so, it was still pretty good. I got a bunch of new music, courtesy of some of the other PCVs burning a DVD of stuffs for me.
Backing up, I went to a city called Razgrad (Разград) for Christmas, and saw some folks I hadn't seen in a few months (3-6, depending on the person), which was nice. There was a chicken dinner with roasted veggies and mashed potatoes, and trivial pursuit (which took up most of the afternoon/evening, due to a house rule that to win, you had to run the entire card). My team ended up winning, which was satisfying, but it took a whiles, and eventually was settled essentially by a trivia-off.
After that, I went to Rousse (Pyce), and had a late lunch with my friend Mila, and spent a few hours catching up with her - I haven't seen her since May, so it was nice to see her face to face again. There was a bit of panic at the end, when it turned out that I'm mistranslated a preposition, and thought that the last bus TO Sofia was at 6 PM, when in reality, that was when the last bus FROM Sofia was to arrive. Fortunately, we arrived at 5:20 to discover this, and there was a 5:30 bus that I was able to catch (just barely). From there, I got into the central station, convinced that I had missed the last train back home, though it turned out that it was supposed to leave 30 minutes later than I thought it did, meaning I had approximately 2 minutes to get buy a ticket and get on the train.
A minute and a half of panic later, I had my ticket in hand, and was frantically searching for the train. Upon my failure to see the train, I asked an employee where it was, only to be told that there was a 30 minute delay for it, and I was, in fact at the right track. The 30 minute delay turned into an hour and 15 minutes, meaning I got back in to Dupnitsa at 2 AM or so. All in all, fun times!
Hopefully, I'll be going skiing sometime soonish. I promise I'll take my camera along, if that happens.
Later, flipsiders.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Saturday, December 8, 2007
I Can See That You Were Right About This Place
Hm. Another one of those moods is on me, it appears. What's important? What is it I truly want? Am I doing the right thing here?
I'm doing a good thing, of that there's no doubt. But I have another 18+ months to go. I've made some friends, but is that really enough? I had a hard enough time in DC, since I didn't have sufficient social outlets, can I really take this? I don't want to end up dependent on the internet for sanity. That's not healthy. It just reinforces feelings of isolation/loneliness. Work helps, though. Something to do, something to throw myself into, occupy my brain with the "now" as opposed to the past/possible futures.
I've talked with my program staff, and this sort of attitude is apparently normal - winter means less sunlight, which means any tendencies towards SAD come through. I don't think I'm anywhere near there, but I think I do need more social time than I've been having. Or, perhaps, different social time. Social time where I don't feel like I have to suppress part of who I am (due to lack of vocabulary, possible alienation, what have you). Regardless, I'm trying to find a balance between contact with my old life and forging connections that will make the new life easier.
It's times like this that I understand the tendency of Eastern Europeans to drink heavily.
But, that's just another escape, isn't it? Instead of seizing the day, you seize the bottle. What does that get you?
A liver that hurts and a spotty memory is what (in addition to whatever good times you might have had along the way).
If you let yourself, you'll get into a rut, regardless of where you are, what you're doing or how you're thinking. New paths are needed. New experiences; new perspectives. New data. Anything to keep yourself from stagnating, falling into predictability, falling into banality.
Admittedly, some stability is good. Knowing you'll have a roof overhead, food on the table, utilities, what have you... this is a good sort of stability. Doing the same thing day in, day out, not so much. It stifles creativity, robs you of mental richness/diversity in your life, kills your dreams (mostly. Sometimes you get lucky and do whatever it is you want to do, day in, day out).
Dreams. Good, bad. They're a part of us. The brain gets bored, puts on a movie. Alarm goes off, consciousness arrives, vague impressions remain. The body reasserts itself, companions vanish, company gives way to solitude.
You wake up alone. Even if there is someone there (and there hasn't been, for quite a while), you still wake up with no immediate awareness of them. That only filters through later (admittedly, sometimes very shortly afterwards). The point remains. Inside your skull, you are alone. This can be either a good or bad thing.
Good and bad, on reflection, seem to be wholly subjective. If someone sees something as 'good' (alternately, as merely 'not-bad'), how can they be expected to behave in a manner contrary to that judgment? I'm not saying that condemnation is to be ultimately avoided (murder/rape/etc), but it seems that good/bad are largely regulated by society, rather than the individual.
What is the individual? Where does the boundary between "self" and "interaction with others" fall? Do we define ourselves through how we interact with other people/things/concepts? What defines the self? I'm not in a proper state of mind to answer. Rhetorical question, maybe?
I keep trying to impress the importance of questions on my students. Not sure how much success I'm having. I can't shake the feeling that if I could only encourage my students to question everything, I could have a more lasting effect on my philosophical environment as a whole. Is having a lasting effect immortality? Is it pride? If yes to both, does (justified) pride == immortality?
Too many questions. Not enough answers. A metaphor for life, perhaps? Life is a riddle, not an answer? Perhaps I should take this up when I'm not prone to mental wandering.
Thoughts?
Later, flipsiders.
I'm doing a good thing, of that there's no doubt. But I have another 18+ months to go. I've made some friends, but is that really enough? I had a hard enough time in DC, since I didn't have sufficient social outlets, can I really take this? I don't want to end up dependent on the internet for sanity. That's not healthy. It just reinforces feelings of isolation/loneliness. Work helps, though. Something to do, something to throw myself into, occupy my brain with the "now" as opposed to the past/possible futures.
I've talked with my program staff, and this sort of attitude is apparently normal - winter means less sunlight, which means any tendencies towards SAD come through. I don't think I'm anywhere near there, but I think I do need more social time than I've been having. Or, perhaps, different social time. Social time where I don't feel like I have to suppress part of who I am (due to lack of vocabulary, possible alienation, what have you). Regardless, I'm trying to find a balance between contact with my old life and forging connections that will make the new life easier.
It's times like this that I understand the tendency of Eastern Europeans to drink heavily.
But, that's just another escape, isn't it? Instead of seizing the day, you seize the bottle. What does that get you?
A liver that hurts and a spotty memory is what (in addition to whatever good times you might have had along the way).
If you let yourself, you'll get into a rut, regardless of where you are, what you're doing or how you're thinking. New paths are needed. New experiences; new perspectives. New data. Anything to keep yourself from stagnating, falling into predictability, falling into banality.
Admittedly, some stability is good. Knowing you'll have a roof overhead, food on the table, utilities, what have you... this is a good sort of stability. Doing the same thing day in, day out, not so much. It stifles creativity, robs you of mental richness/diversity in your life, kills your dreams (mostly. Sometimes you get lucky and do whatever it is you want to do, day in, day out).
Dreams. Good, bad. They're a part of us. The brain gets bored, puts on a movie. Alarm goes off, consciousness arrives, vague impressions remain. The body reasserts itself, companions vanish, company gives way to solitude.
You wake up alone. Even if there is someone there (and there hasn't been, for quite a while), you still wake up with no immediate awareness of them. That only filters through later (admittedly, sometimes very shortly afterwards). The point remains. Inside your skull, you are alone. This can be either a good or bad thing.
Good and bad, on reflection, seem to be wholly subjective. If someone sees something as 'good' (alternately, as merely 'not-bad'), how can they be expected to behave in a manner contrary to that judgment? I'm not saying that condemnation is to be ultimately avoided (murder/rape/etc), but it seems that good/bad are largely regulated by society, rather than the individual.
What is the individual? Where does the boundary between "self" and "interaction with others" fall? Do we define ourselves through how we interact with other people/things/concepts? What defines the self? I'm not in a proper state of mind to answer. Rhetorical question, maybe?
I keep trying to impress the importance of questions on my students. Not sure how much success I'm having. I can't shake the feeling that if I could only encourage my students to question everything, I could have a more lasting effect on my philosophical environment as a whole. Is having a lasting effect immortality? Is it pride? If yes to both, does (justified) pride == immortality?
Too many questions. Not enough answers. A metaphor for life, perhaps? Life is a riddle, not an answer? Perhaps I should take this up when I'm not prone to mental wandering.
Thoughts?
Later, flipsiders.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Capture Me In An Instant, And Leave Me Hypnotized
I saw two of the saddest, most pathetic/depressing things ever today. One is fairly common (unfortunately): An old woman, probably a grandmother, picking through the trash for things that could be sold, or things that were/are edible. I see this every day, and it never fails to make me wince.
The other thing, that really sparked a visceral "Holy shit" sort of reaction, was seeing a dog dragging itself along by its front legs. Its back legs were useless, probably broken. Additionally, the dragging was causing the back legs to abrade, leaving a faint blood trail (which was getting gradually more distinct) behind the poor thing. If I'd had plaster, I would have tried to at least give its legs some protection, but at that point, I almost wanted to just put it out of its misery. It was heartrending, to say the least.
In less depressing news, I finally started to teach the English course for unemployed people. It seems to be going well so far - they're having to start from the alphabet, so I'm basically able to adapt the training I was given for Bulgarian and turn it into an English class. That'll be a regular thing from 2-4 every Thursday, which makes for a busy day/middle of the week.
Also, my computer has been reformatted for the second time in as many weeks, with total data loss occurring again. I need to start backing this thing up every week, apparently. It's more than slightly irritating, at this point. Hopefully, this issue will not come up again.
Later, flipsiders.
The other thing, that really sparked a visceral "Holy shit" sort of reaction, was seeing a dog dragging itself along by its front legs. Its back legs were useless, probably broken. Additionally, the dragging was causing the back legs to abrade, leaving a faint blood trail (which was getting gradually more distinct) behind the poor thing. If I'd had plaster, I would have tried to at least give its legs some protection, but at that point, I almost wanted to just put it out of its misery. It was heartrending, to say the least.
In less depressing news, I finally started to teach the English course for unemployed people. It seems to be going well so far - they're having to start from the alphabet, so I'm basically able to adapt the training I was given for Bulgarian and turn it into an English class. That'll be a regular thing from 2-4 every Thursday, which makes for a busy day/middle of the week.
Also, my computer has been reformatted for the second time in as many weeks, with total data loss occurring again. I need to start backing this thing up every week, apparently. It's more than slightly irritating, at this point. Hopefully, this issue will not come up again.
Later, flipsiders.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Until, One Day, It Disappeared
Weekend update time. Overall, it was pretty good. I got to hang out with some other Volunteers on Friday evening/Saturday morning, and then I headed up to Radomir for my host mother's 65th birthday (it was on Thursday, but I wasn't able to get up until Sat). Social time, Bulgarian language practice, free food (yesterday and this morning)... It wasn't Thanksgiving, but it was a decent enough substitute.
Once I got home, however, things weren't so hot.
Expected: Having to restart my computer because it froze up.
Unexpected: Said machine refusing to boot up after the restart.
Good: It's still under warranty.
Bad: I don't know as of yet whether any data can be salvaged.
So, it could have been worse, but it's more than slightly irritating. The fiction I was working on is saved to my flash drive, and most of the stuff I was going to use for class similarly backed up. My music, however, may be toast (having to start over with that would irritate me rather a lot), and the living allowance survey that I was filling out for Peace Corps may be toast as well (this is bad, because such things are used to calculate possible living allowance increases).
Tomorrow after work, I'm going to go to the store-type place, and see what (if anything) can be done. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to salvage some data. If not, I'll get a new hard drive, and I'll have to start re-installing/re-acquiring stuffs. Joy.
More updates as things progress.
Later, flipsiders.
Once I got home, however, things weren't so hot.
Expected: Having to restart my computer because it froze up.
Unexpected: Said machine refusing to boot up after the restart.
Good: It's still under warranty.
Bad: I don't know as of yet whether any data can be salvaged.
So, it could have been worse, but it's more than slightly irritating. The fiction I was working on is saved to my flash drive, and most of the stuff I was going to use for class similarly backed up. My music, however, may be toast (having to start over with that would irritate me rather a lot), and the living allowance survey that I was filling out for Peace Corps may be toast as well (this is bad, because such things are used to calculate possible living allowance increases).
Tomorrow after work, I'm going to go to the store-type place, and see what (if anything) can be done. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to salvage some data. If not, I'll get a new hard drive, and I'll have to start re-installing/re-acquiring stuffs. Joy.
More updates as things progress.
Later, flipsiders.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Ten Miles From Nowhere, There's A Story That's True
Hope everyone had a good Turkey Day and is appropriately stuffed. It's certainly been odd, being away from friends/family today. Also, it's very odd to be working today (in addition to yesterday and tomorrow). It wasn't as if I expected today off, but it's one of those things that doesn't really hit you immediately. Just one more reminder that I'm living the ex-pat life.
On the plus side, I got to talk with a lot of people via VOIP-type programs. Thus, I am thankful for the internet. It brings me horror and mental scarring, but it also allows me to remain in close(ish) contact with those I hold dear. And so, friends, family and assorted others, to you I raise my glass. I likely won't see most of you in the meat for well over a year, but that doesn't change the importance you all have to me. If anything, it makes you guys even more important - an emotional anchor, of sorts. Having a point (even in the abstract) that I can call "home" is one of the things that helps me deal with all the stress of being thrown into a completely strange situation, and having contact with friendly voices from the past makes looking into the future that much more doable. So, thanks.
Please pardon the sap. I'll get it cleaned up before I post again, I promise.
Later flipsiders.
On the plus side, I got to talk with a lot of people via VOIP-type programs. Thus, I am thankful for the internet. It brings me horror and mental scarring, but it also allows me to remain in close(ish) contact with those I hold dear. And so, friends, family and assorted others, to you I raise my glass. I likely won't see most of you in the meat for well over a year, but that doesn't change the importance you all have to me. If anything, it makes you guys even more important - an emotional anchor, of sorts. Having a point (even in the abstract) that I can call "home" is one of the things that helps me deal with all the stress of being thrown into a completely strange situation, and having contact with friendly voices from the past makes looking into the future that much more doable. So, thanks.
Please pardon the sap. I'll get it cleaned up before I post again, I promise.
Later flipsiders.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Man I Had A Dreadful Flight
Warning - Stream of consciousness to follow:
Tired for no reason I can see. Not a stressful day, nothing worth reporting, really. Just... tired. Can't think, but at the same time, can't sleep. Weird sort of insomnia state, self-hypnosis with no real point. Borderline.
Borderline what? Depression? No. No self-recrimination. No self-destructive thoughts. Thoughts slow. Glacial. Getting colder here. Snow on the mountain. Going to be good for skiing soon. Can't seem to use explicit subjects. Non-standard grammar; English isn't pro-drop.
Why does grammar come up now? This makes no sense. Am I internalizing it? Internalizing is only good when it comes to language. Emotions shouldn't be bottled up. Am I bottling something up? Too many questions. No answers forthcoming. Irritating. Like a mental itch that I don't know how to scratch, or even how to ask someone else to scratch it for me. Sleep would blot it out.
Can't sleep. Should, but can't. Dunno why. Circular. Neverending circle, bringing me right back. Is there a point? Should be. Maybe look at things sideways? Doesn't help. Lines. Lines of thought, like breadlines, unemployment lines. Neurons marching in formation with no end in sight. Craving release, freeform thought. Dreams blurring, faces running together. Wax and the face of God, exploding for box-office gold. Smoke and mirrors, bread and circuses.
Haven't made bread since I came here. Need to change that. Warm crust, soft inside. Person or food? Food is consumed; people renew, share. Flow. Water. Lava. Love.
Larva? No. Non-sequitur two steps removed. Two steps... even bigger leap? Mars? More?
More what? Thought's lost. Feel lost. Know what I'm doing, where I am. Wherefore lost? Convoluted plots; not on TV. Living it. All mental, ping-pong in the mind. Solitaire table tennis; small white sphere of light/sense, paddle of self, table of world. Constant pinging the IP address of reality - eyes, ears, nose, skin, tongue. Sense it, learn it, know it, understand it, change it. What is it?
It - infinitely malleable, singularly specific. Model for reality? Ni!
Live to tell the tale. Live the tale. Be the tale. Not making sense again. No checks on rambling, wandering. Sensorium desert. Not quite 24 years wandering. Too much metaphor, not enough meaning. Bah.
Later, flipsiders.
Tired for no reason I can see. Not a stressful day, nothing worth reporting, really. Just... tired. Can't think, but at the same time, can't sleep. Weird sort of insomnia state, self-hypnosis with no real point. Borderline.
Borderline what? Depression? No. No self-recrimination. No self-destructive thoughts. Thoughts slow. Glacial. Getting colder here. Snow on the mountain. Going to be good for skiing soon. Can't seem to use explicit subjects. Non-standard grammar; English isn't pro-drop.
Why does grammar come up now? This makes no sense. Am I internalizing it? Internalizing is only good when it comes to language. Emotions shouldn't be bottled up. Am I bottling something up? Too many questions. No answers forthcoming. Irritating. Like a mental itch that I don't know how to scratch, or even how to ask someone else to scratch it for me. Sleep would blot it out.
Can't sleep. Should, but can't. Dunno why. Circular. Neverending circle, bringing me right back. Is there a point? Should be. Maybe look at things sideways? Doesn't help. Lines. Lines of thought, like breadlines, unemployment lines. Neurons marching in formation with no end in sight. Craving release, freeform thought. Dreams blurring, faces running together. Wax and the face of God, exploding for box-office gold. Smoke and mirrors, bread and circuses.
Haven't made bread since I came here. Need to change that. Warm crust, soft inside. Person or food? Food is consumed; people renew, share. Flow. Water. Lava. Love.
Larva? No. Non-sequitur two steps removed. Two steps... even bigger leap? Mars? More?
More what? Thought's lost. Feel lost. Know what I'm doing, where I am. Wherefore lost? Convoluted plots; not on TV. Living it. All mental, ping-pong in the mind. Solitaire table tennis; small white sphere of light/sense, paddle of self, table of world. Constant pinging the IP address of reality - eyes, ears, nose, skin, tongue. Sense it, learn it, know it, understand it, change it. What is it?
It - infinitely malleable, singularly specific. Model for reality? Ni!
Live to tell the tale. Live the tale. Be the tale. Not making sense again. No checks on rambling, wandering. Sensorium desert. Not quite 24 years wandering. Too much metaphor, not enough meaning. Bah.
Later, flipsiders.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Breathe Out So I Can Breathe You In
Oh, man. So, I just made this and sweet Jesus is it delicious. It needs a lot of salt and pepper, for me, but you get a hard, smoked cheese grated on top of it, maybe some chives... Nummy. It was accompanied by a nice salad (lettuce, cucumbers, mushrooms, carrots, bell peppers, chives and herbs tossed together with olive oil, salt, pepper, oregano and basil, topped with kiwifruit and balsamic vinegar) and some red wine (I had to bootleg the sherry by combining red wine with amaretto).
In other news, the strike is finally and at long last, over. This means that I have work as of tomorrow (though I have no regular Tuesday classes to teach), so I'm pretty happy about that. Additionally, I'm supposed to start teaching a twice-weekly class on Tuesdays and Thursdays for unemployed adults.
That's going to be interesting, to say the least. Beats the hell out of sitting around wondering what's going to happen next, though.
Ok. I'll have more tomorrow, but now, it's after midnight and I'm in desperate need of sleep.
Later, flipsiders.
In other news, the strike is finally and at long last, over. This means that I have work as of tomorrow (though I have no regular Tuesday classes to teach), so I'm pretty happy about that. Additionally, I'm supposed to start teaching a twice-weekly class on Tuesdays and Thursdays for unemployed adults.
That's going to be interesting, to say the least. Beats the hell out of sitting around wondering what's going to happen next, though.
Ok. I'll have more tomorrow, but now, it's after midnight and I'm in desperate need of sleep.
Later, flipsiders.
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